At twenty-two years old, I thought that I knew exactly who I was. I thought that I had the confidence to overlook my past and focus on my present and my future. It’s funny how I thought that publishing my book would prove to myself that I am confident, that I have come out of my shell, that I am not afraid of anything. That is not the case. If anything it has shown me how much more work I have to do, not only with myself but with my career. This is my first stepping stone of many. This is that kick in the crotch - that wake up call to let me know that this has only just begun, that I still don’t know everything there is to know about myself.
What do I know so far? I get embarrassed easily for no reason, I am sensitive, I am a hypocrite sometimes, I act like I don’t care or that nothing bothers me especially when it really does, I get jealous of people who spend money on themselves because I’m too cheap to treat myself to anything, I’m a little vain- but hey who isn’t, I think I know everything and I’m stubborn as hell, and I don’t let things go – ever.
I love with every bit of my heart, and once you have my love, you never have to worry about losing it. It takes me a long time to trust people, and if you screw me over I will not be a grown up about it, I’ll probably just cut you out of my life. People say I’m bitter, but the truth is I’m just confused. I don’t let myself just “feel” things – I try to alter my emotions to what I think they should be.
The truth is I’m a good person, and I believe that there is good in everyone. The truth is that although I try to come off as confident and strong, I’m still the same girl I was 10 years ago. I’m still trying to understand who I am and what I want to become. Yes, I’ve come out of my shell a little bit but there is so much more in me that I am afraid to show because I hate getting made fun of. I am trying to train myself every single day to NOT care about what people think, to be more like my siblings in that respect, but it is tough.
I’m learning that I can be the person that I want to be and I don’t have to put up a wall or a front of any kind. I’m learning that you have to let go and let your emotions do their thing. Controlling your emotions so that they don’t get out of hand is a good thing, but if you do that too often, you lose sight of who you are, what you believe in, and how you really feel.
And so, today is the day for me to accept the fact that I am ever changing and growing, that I don’t need to be embarrassed of anything. It’s okay to be silly, to have fun, and even to be poked fun at. It’s time to take that stick out of my butt and to stop being so uptight. It’s time to live this life and understand exactly who I am and the woman I am becoming.
Acknowledging this is the first step.
P.s My book signing is this Saturday at Chapters Woodbridge! Hope you can drop by! Xo