I think the novel that I want to write is stuck somewhere between my dreams and my imagination, in different world, a far off place. It’s there, I see it, I can smell it… I just need to develop it - I need to write it.

5 simple words.
A declaration.
A hope.
A promise.
I need to write it.

Here goes nothin’…

–
Love Always
Vanessa Xo

“A picture began circulating in November. It should be “The Picture of the Year,” or perhaps, “Picture of the Decade.” It won’t be. In fact, unless you obtained a copy of the U.S. paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.

The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother’s womb. Little Samuel’s mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner’s remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.

During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon’s finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.

The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, “Hand of Hope.” The text explaining the picture begins, “The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother’s uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life.”

Little Samuel’s mother said they “wept for days” when they saw the picture. She said, “The photo reminds us pregnancy isn’t about disability or an illness, it’s about a little person” Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful. Now see the actual picture, and it is awesome…incredible….”

A friend of mine posted that on Facebook the other day and I was absolutely blown away, first by the story, and then by the photo. I usually can’t stomach blood or anything even close to what this photo portrays but after a while my eyes focussed on that tiny little hand grasping the doctor’s finger. Amazing isn’t in? This photo doesn’t only represent hope to me but also the need for human contact, the importance in helping others, in lending a helping hand, the importance in finding strength in others, in being strong for someone else, in human compassion and love.

A picture is worth a thousand words and this one is probably worth over a thousand emotions.

Normally when you see yourself in the mirror accidentally, you check if there is anything in your teeth, or you fix that one hair that is sticking up. Have you ever hugged someone when you’re leaving their home and happened to notice that you’re standing in front of a mirror. You see yourself and the back of this person. You see their broad shoulders, you can see how tightly you’re squeezing each other, how much you really don’t want to let go. Has that ever happened to you? This could have happened with a family member or friend or boyfriend or girlfriend, but the effect is much the same – you really don’t want to say goodbye. Sounds kind of silly and over-dramatic doesn’t it? But is it? Recently, I’ve heard of far too many sudden deaths and it’s true what they say,  you have to live each day like it’s your last and you shouldn’t hesitate to tell someone how you really feel – you never really know, do you.

I’m not saying that you should live your life in this bitter fear that something bad is going to happen but I do think it is a good idea to hug people goodbye and squeeze them tight. So here are two songs, both uplifting and a little sad, to get the point across.

Hope you have a fantastic Wednesday and that you cherish every single second of it.

I didn’t really do much this weekend – in fact, if asked what I did, I would probably say that I didn’t do anything at all. The truth of the matter is that even if I didn’t do something crazy or worth railing my Facebook or Twitter for, doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything special.  I hate when I do that – belittle the things that I do just because they aren’t someone’s definition of fabulous or fantastic.

On Saturday I went to see a mechanic and I took this rad picture:

That’s the mechanic’s sweet ride. Honestly, I am in love with that truck. We were there for a few hours and even though I usually dread going to see mechanics, this experience wasn’t bad at all. I could tell that this man really knew what he was talking about, I could tell that he would be very meticulous with whichever car was brought to him, and I could also tell that he wasn’t the type to screw over his customers. He’s been in the business for over 25 years and you could still see how much he loves cars. I hope that whenever I am 25 years into my career, people can still see how much I love it. It’s funny how going to get a car looked at can impact the way I think about things. In just two hours I saw the importance of being honest and fair with people, of being polite, of being social, and the importance of being the best you can at what you do.

That was Saturday. I learned all that in a two-hour span on a Saturday.

Today I went for coffee with my best friend and a friend from high school that I hadn’t seen in forever (through no one’s fault but my own) and I had a great time. You know how sometimes you meet someone for the first time and feel like you’ve known them forever? Well this was kind of like the opposite. I’ve known this person forever but I felt as if I was just getting to know her all over again. And I don’t see that as a bad thing – I felt right at home, I still felt a friendship in my heart, almost like a distant memory or a deja vu. It was so nice to get to know her again and to see how much she’s changed in great ways and yet has stayed the same in great ways too. Today I remembered how much I missed certain friendships and people. I remembered that every relationship and friendship takes two. I remembered that it’s okay for people to drift apart and I finally understood that if you drift back together, that really is saying something.

That was Sunday. I learned all that in a two-hour span on a Sunday.

So I didn’t do much this weekend but given what I learned it feels like I did so much more.

Even seemingly mundane moments have a meaning.

Even doing nothing is actually doing something.

You just have to pay attention.

Have you ever listened to the song “Skyscraper” by Demi Lovato? Here take a look!

I am actually obsessed with this song and her new Cd. Every single song gives me goosebumps, Skyscraper in particular. Although the lyrics pretty much speak for themselves, I have to admit how empowered and inspired I feel when I listen to it. No matter what people say or do, whether they support you or ignore you, you have to rise up – sometimes on your own – and prove that you’re stronger than you seem.

Hope you like the song/video.

My backyard looks and sounds like something out of a horror film this morning. I don’t know if it’s the fog or the perpetual silence out on the roads, but it’s creepy. Here I’ll show you….

Granted, I did take this photo and edit it on my cell phone but it still looks creepy to me! No matter what it looks like outside, the weather always does something to me, and on days like today it makes me feel very reflective. Like the fog represents the way I’m feeling inside, not sad or depressed, just a little claustrophobic maybe – with all that’s going on in my head and my heart it sometimes feels like there is a thick fog filling me up.

There’s always the thought of the future and getting the right career but also my love for school and wanting to go back again to get a BA in History. Then there’s the excitement for my sister’s wedding, accompanied by the sadness that we’re all growing up and that she’s going to move out next year. There’s also the feeling that my life isn’t really moving forward and that I haven’t gotten things figured out – which is holding hands with how much I love how less-serious working at a pizza place and going to school is.

So I’ve got a lot of contradictions going on inside me and with a few curve balls thrown in, it’s no wonder that this weather gets to me. Not to say that I have a bad life or anything – I have a very good life and I’m genuinely happy… I just have a few things to figure out.

So, I’m a little fogged-up this morning and yet I’m still smiling.

Gosh, my own weirdness astounds even me sometimes.

Have you ever promised that you would go somewhere with someone, or that you’d call them, or that you just HAD to get together with them, and then weeks later you realized that you completely bailed on them? I’ve done that, more than once and I only just realized how shitty it feels to be on the other end of an empty promise. I know that there are different degrees of empty promises – but no matter where they are on the scale, they have serious repercussions. I mean what is your excuse anyways? You’re lazy? You just don’t feel like going through with something you promised? Or did you just say that you’d do it to appease someone in that moment?

Well guess what, you either just made someone feel like a piece of crap, or you made them think that you really don’t care about them or their feelings, or you proved yourself to be a liar. Is it better to lie to someone to make them feel better in that moment or find a way to tell them that you really don’t want to go somewhere WITHOUT hurting their feelings?

Note to self: Don’t make empty promises.

Actions do speak louder than words & that is something I need to Remember.

We all do. From: http://weheartit.com/entry/8298026

Okay, so I know that a blog is like an online diary, or a way to document your life – or at least that is what I use it for. But what happens when your blog turns into a bullying mechanism? I recently witnessed a Twitter/Blog “war” and after reading the tweets and posts, I am utterly embarrassed. Not for them because it’s their blog/twitter and they can do whatever they please – but for myself.

I have used my blog to rant, to rave, to vent, and to communicate with people who I don’t have the balls to say things to in person, and it isn’t right. I truly apologize for that. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion but does that mean I should post it on my blog, the way I have in the past? No. It’s like what Zuckerberg did to his ex-girlfriend in The Social Network, once something is on the internet you can’t erase it. The whole world can see it and that is why it’s so scary. The internet and social networking sites have become a high school playground and I think I need to walk around them with a little more caution. Am I scared to be a bitch or to state my opinion? No – but there is a time and a place for everything and sometimes my blog just isn’t it.

So once again – I apologize and will keep this blog as a civilized place where I can improve my writing, my thoughts, and my character.

NO, I don’t mean that I sit in my bed at night and think of all the wonderful and fantastic things that I want to happen in my life. I mean that I wake up most mornings, feeling like I haven’t slept a wink because I’ve been dreaming the whole night. Even if I wake up in the middle of a dream, when I fall back asleep the dream ends up picking up where it left off. It is exhausting and sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can never remember their dreams – especially the dreams I have when I’ve watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds.

Sometimes I find myself Google-ing certain things that happen in my dreams or certain objects that strike me – it’s creepy when their “meaning” mimics something that has recently happened in my life. Most times, I try to write down what happened in my dream, or the people I remember seeing, or even the place that I am in. Some of my dreams are actually pretty cool and would make great stories or novels, if I could remember them all vividly. Isn’t that how Tim Burton came up with many of his movie ideas and characters? I would love to be as crazy and creative as that man. When I went to see his exhibit with my boyfriend I was in awe!

Anyways… what was the point of this blog? Oh, right…

I had a dream last night that really bugged me and made me pretty darn sad when I woke up. I think it was my subconscious trying to tell me what one of my biggest fears are. I woke up thinking “Okay, subconscious – I already know that if that happened it would kill me inside – what’s your point?” I’m no psychology major but maybe some dreams actually do mean something. Maybe we have them to remind us how lucky we are or how important a certain person is to us – maybe it’s you trying to remind yourself to appreciate everything or to give things a chance. Of course, not EVERY dream will do this, quite frankly I have no idea what some of my Criminal Minds dreams mean. But maybe we should all keep an eye on what our subconscious is trying to tell us.

Maybe you need to tell yourself something really important but you’ve been so “busy” that it’s made its way to the back if your mind.

Maybe you should figure out what else is stored back there.

Sweet Dreams <3

Yesterday was my first night back at my old part-time job. I have to admit that once I got over my initial nerves, it felt like I had never even left – and I had a full year of not working there. I don’t exactly know how to feel about that, is it a good thing that I remember everything or is it a bad thing? Is it horrible that no matter what I do or where I go, I will always remember the ingredients on the Stirfry pizza or that I’ll never forget the six different kinds of meat on the Meatlovers pizza? I know I shouldn’t look at it as a negative thing. My mom would say to just take it as one of those ‘things’ that I may one day even be nostalgic about - yeah… maybe one day.

I think I’m just being a baby. I am always scared to try new things, even if it is just a part-time job. It is so much easier for me to go back to a place that I know so well, a place that I worked for 5 years, a place where I know the people, and where I am as comfortable as a socially awkward person can be. I don’t like the idea of taking the easy way out or taking the most convenient route but I’m not going lie, that’s exactly what I did. I’m not impressed with the fact that I let my anxieties of working somewhere else take over.

That’s something that I really need to work on.

As soon as school is over I’ll have to look for a real job/career and I have until then to get over my fears.

Yikes.