I have been thinking a lot lately about happiness, success, and contentment. I have surrounded myself with people who are hardworking caring individuals, who have goals, dreams, and aspirations. People that always want to do more, to be better. With that said I’ve realized that ALWAYS wanting more isn’t a great thing. Sometimes it can get out of hand.

When you’re constantly thinking about making more money, wanting a greater position, or reaching a goal, you sometimes lose sight of the great things that are going on in your life at that moment. You don’t see how hard you’re working now, or how your hard work is paying off. You don’t appreciate the money you have in the bank because it isn’t enough. You aren’t proud of the clothing in your closet or the laptop you spent months and months saving to buy. You are thinking that you want that laptop faster, that you want to have enough money to buy more expensive clothes, you are thinking that you want that bank account to multiply. In doing so you become bitter at yourself and all those around you. You are no longer content. You are no longer allowing yourself to be happy. You focus on your “failures” and not your accomplishments.

Why? You are a hardworking individual and you should be PROUD of what you’ve done. Working every day is an accomplishment. Being able to afford things that you WANT is something to be proud of. Don’t get me wrong, I think goals and dreams and wanting more is fantastic. I think that in the right moderation, those things will keep you going, will keep you striving for more but you mustn’t let it become a negative thing. Keep it positive.

And Remember….

Is there something about YOU that you really want to change? I’m not talking about losing a little weight, or making that second toe of yours shorter than your big toe, or getting rid of that hair above your lip, or that little bit of cellulite on your bum. I’m talking about personality flaws that you’d love to change. Maybe you’re a pushover or jealous or bitter. Maybe you’re too nice, too mean, or too shy. Maybe you tend to judge a book by its cover or hold grudges. Not that ANY of these traits make a person “bad” or “good” but let’s say you want to change them about yourself, how the hell do you change 22 years of a person’s personality?

I’ve been noticing some irritating traits of my own lately which is in fact why I bring up this subject. I’m learning through experience that the only way to change something about yourself is by first embracing and acknowledging that trait. After that you need to consciously realize when you are acting in a way that you’d really rather not. You have to believe you can change, you have to WANT to change. Becoming less bitter or jealous won’t change who you are but maybe it will enhance it or show you a better part of yourself. A more confident You.

Personally, I find myself to be a tad bitter, a little jealous, and a little bit of a pushover. Those are three areas of my life that I am constantly working on. I find my voice when I write and yet I still have trouble TELLING people how I feel, this makes me come off a bitter and sad, when in fact I am actually a very happy person.  I’ve blogged about jealousy, probably more than once but what I am realizing now is that jealousy springs from insecurity and I have no need to be insecure. It’s okay to be confident, I have to keep reminding myself that.

In the life you are given you are always trying to be the best you can be. I want to be the best Vanessa I can be. No I am not trying to be perfect – I am trying to be the best me – there is a huge difference. I believe that in order to be the best you, you must start with your heart.

From: http://emiibear.tumblr.com/post/1608411485

Change is Good. 

Yesterday I went to watch my brother’s football game – he’s a fullback or running back – okay so I don’t really know what position he plays. I do know that he had a really good block that resulted in a touchdown for his team! Go Joe!!

The problem is that in the 3rd quarter, he fell and hurt his arm/shoulder.

My mama took him to the hospital for X-rays – luckily nothing is sprained or broken. And can I tell you that just after his teacher put the sling on him, he got pissed off because he wanted to go back in and play! How cute is he?

So, at night the bf and I had to make dinner for my family – a sure disaster I assumed – but it actually turned out really good. I learned that when cooking and in fact in everything in life, it’s better to start something and finish it completely before moving onto the next step. Nothing will get done properly if you chop half the mushrooms, wash half the dishes, and cut the ends off of only half the green beans. If you finish each task in order you won’t get confused or overwhelmed. It’ll also be easier for someone to help you – you won’t have 6 half-finished things for them to help you with – you might end up having 2 things that need to be started.

That is a lesson that I really needed to learn. I don’t know if I have a strong case of A.D.D or what it is but I often find myself starting a million little tasks and never finishing any of them. The problem is that I often forget one task or another until my mom points out that I forget to empty the dishwasher – or whatever the case may be. If I just focus on one things at a time I could probably get so much more done in my day.

So, Yesterday, thank you for teaching me that lesson.

I just got home from coffee with my bestie and I was talking to her about how I went through my “memory boxes” earlier today. I threw a lot of things out – who keeps old chocolate bars or a box from their first pair of contacts anyways?  I finally threw all that crap out but I did keep the important things like notes, cards, and pictures with The Group of Seven (that’s what my group of friends called each other in high school). I read through the old notes and got all nostalgic on my ass… and then I started thinking. It’s so easy to remember little fights, sadness, pain, and awkward moments amongst friends, isn’t it? It’s a lot harder to remember the good times you shared with people.

Maybe that’s why it is so easy to hold grudges and to stay angry at people – for years at a time. Maybe that is why it’s so hard to forgive. I know that some people (including myself) can forgive but never forget… maybe we’re forgetting the wrong thing. We never forget the negative things, we always forget the positive things, and maybe that’s not the best way to go.

I know that when it comes to intense situations you may never be able to forgive and forget, but when you don’t remember why you stopped talking in the first place or what exactly made you drift apart, you should probably try to forget the bad and remember the good.

I’ve been listening to Miss Late July’s new record, check out her blog here.  The whole Side Swept record is really good but this song really got to me… take a listen!

If you read my last post you would know that I’m going through a “crisis”. You know that everyone -is-growing-up make-it-stop-please crisis? I guess that’s why this song is really resonating with me right now. I feel like rewinding, going back to every perfect moment in my life. Going back to each time I let out a sigh and thought Wow, I’m so happy right now, I hope this lasts.

Imagine there was actually a way we could go back to that? I guess one way to do so is by looking at pictures, but that has never worked for me because in the moments that I am living my life to the fullest, I usually forget to take pictures. So the only way I can rewind is to go into my own head and remember what that day was like, what that moment tasted like, what scent was lingering in the air, and even what I ate that day.

Do you ever do that? Get lost in your own mind, thinking about amazing moments? I do it often. It’s my way of rewinding. My way of going back. I know we’re supposed to live in the present but sometimes it’s really nice to revisit who you were last year,or the person you were with last week,or the place you went the last month. Sometimes you really need to do that, you need to reflect on your past to bring the best part of you into your present, to make new memories and new amazing moments that you can rewind back to whenever you like.

Don’t be afraid to rewind.

Sometimes it’s the only thing that will clear your mind.

I heard this song on the radio the other day, three times, and I smiled each time I heard it.

Although I don’t know exactly where I am going, the journey to get “there” has been great so far. I am healthy, employed, happy, and loved. I have a dream, I have a goal, and I have an amazing group of people around me that want to help me get there – this seriously has gotta be the good good life. It isn’t perfect in any way, shape, or form, but it’s my life and I’m going to enjoy it – what other choice do I have?

…And what better holiday to understand and acknowledge my life then Thanksgiving?

We stuck to tradition this year and went apple picking, to Downey’s farm, and ended the day with a huge turkey dinner. Honestly, I really enjoyed this Thanksgiving more than anything and I think it is because I am starting to understand that traditions such as these will not be around forever. Odds are that after my sister gets married, her and her husband are going to start family traditions of their own – same goes for myself and my brother. Not to say that we all won’t be apart of each other’s lives or traditions, but our traditions will never be the same. This scares the crap out of me. I’m not quite ready for that, I’m not quite ready for everyone to start their own families and move out. I don’t know when I’ll ever be ready for that and I certainly don’t know if I’ll ever really be okay with the loss of some of our family traditions. I love my family a lot and perhaps we’re too close. Perhaps this little family bubble we’ve created isn’t the best thing in the world. Perhaps the upcoming changes are going to take a huge toll on me.

I guess all I can do is be thankful for the family that I have,

be thankful for the way we are with one another,

and prepare myself for changes that are literally just around the corner.

Last night I had a dream that my family and I were in this huge department store/storage unit that had all of my mom’s old clothes, family photos, and things that my parents had put into storage when we moved.

*Note: we don’t actually have a storage unit and my mom never saved her clothes from high school.

There were some pictures of my mom with a soccer jersey on and a bowl-cut hairstyle. After what seemed like hours of walking around this storage department store, I woke up thinking What the fuzz? My mom never played soccer.

That dream was so completely random and I really want to know what it means.  I’ve gone over a million possibilities since my morning coffee and came up with one huge one. Maybe it means that I really don’t know much about my mom or the history of my family. Yes, I know who they are today and I’ve heard stories from the past but never really from my mom’s point of view. Maybe that dream is just telling me that I need to get to know her, to try to understand her better. Or maybe it’s telling me to go and buy some vintage clothes from the 70′s…

…that’s the great thing about dreams – your interpretation gives them meaning.

I know I haven’t blogged in a few days but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. I’ve been starting to write some short stories just to see what I can come up with and I’m liking them so far! I’ve also been thinking about that short novel/novella that I wrote this summer – I’m waiting to hear back from an agent about it but I have a feeling it’s going to be a no-go. Why do I feel this way? Well because it doesn’t really fit any typical genre that I can think of – it’s too short to be a Chick-lit,it’s from the point of view of a guy, and the age group is mid to late 20′s as oppose to the late 20′s early 30′s that most chick-lits have. And yet it does have chick-lit flare about it. See, kinda hard to place! I think that after I hear from that agent I might post the novella on my blog, pieces at a time just to see what kind of response I can get.  Kind of makes me a little nervous to do that though. Hmm…

I’ve also been looking at other blogs and reading different books that I wouldn’t usual pick up to try to place myself as a writer/blogger – a lot harder than it sounds. Hopefully, by writing I’ll be able to place myself without even realizing it.  Trying to place myself as a writer has also got me thinking about the future and where I want to be in a few years, wait – wasn’t I in this same position the last time I was in school? Yes, I was and can you believe that I still haven’t figured it out?! Kind of frustrating but I guess no one really knows for sure where they can see themselves in the future, do they?

It’s funny because I can take a few of my closest friends and have an easier time seeing where they might be than where I might find myself – take my Buddy for example, I can see her reviewing films and well as creating and writing music. I can actually see her doing it and being very successful at it.

Why can’t I see where I’ll be?

Why can’t I just pick a career?

Can anyone out there see where I’ll be in five years – I hope it’s somewhere nice!