when my breathing stopped

Posted in Family Time, Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal, Travel by Vanessa Grillone

We’d been stopped in the subway tunnel for 15 minutes when my breathing stopped. My heart was being crushed under immense pressure. My lungs – well they said a sweet toodle-oo with a great big eff you! At that point I put up the volume of my music and rested my head on my bag. With my eyes closed I felt a little bit better, in spite of the fact that the B.O. of the man in front of me found its way into my nostrils.

Apparently I can’t handle being confined and helpless. When the train began moving again my head spun, my stomach convulsed, and I nearly lost my composure. For over an hour I was stuck on that train. The train that toyed with my emotions: Go. Stop. Wait. Go. Go. Stop. Wait. Wait. Go slowly. Stop. I could sense the annoyance mount in the other passengers. I saw the roll of their eyes every time the driver explained about the signaling problems and apologized for the inconvenience.

All I kept thinking was; Breathe, Vanessa. Breathe. Don’t get anxious over something you literally have no control over. You think the driver WANTS to be stopped? No. Breathe. You’ll get home eventually. Calm down and take a nap. That mantra (thanks MOM!) was the only thing that kept me from experiencing a full-blown anxiety attack that night.

Funny how that all happened on my way home, just after I tweeted: Potential is one of my favourite words. To me it’s hopeful and optimistic; attainable and reachable. Each day has the potential of turning out wonderful or completely shitty. Most things you have no control over but you DO have control over how you react to certain things, which is why I still ended up having a pretty okay evening. I didn’t spend my night complaining about the TTC or that I got home late. I went on with my night as if nothing happened. I wrote a little, worked out, ate a handful (or two) of my mom’s homemade chocolate almonds – the ones I’m not supposed to eat because they’re for my sister’s baby shower (#Sorry #NoI’mNot). Then I climbed into bed and let my mind wander.

I thought about all the wonderful things that could happen. I thought about potential and let the word swim around in my mind. I thought about taking up photography. I thought about taking writing classes. I thought about the novel I’m slowly working on (or maybe it’s a short story). I thought about becoming an aunt. I thought about traveling: New York, England, Italy, and Paris – I’m coming for you. I thought about marriage. I thought about family. I thought about love. I thought about change. I thought about work. I thought about words. I thought about time and reminded myself that all good things can’t come at once — no matter how hard you work for them.

I thought good thoughts and woke up with a smile.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

3Jun2013

Live. Laugh. Rest. You’re only human.

Posted in Family Time, Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal, Travel by Vanessa Grillone

It seems funny to me that on Sunday I found myself hunched over my laptop, my shoulders tweezed together with tension, my eyes focused, my brain working, and my fingers moving faster than my thoughts, when on Friday and Saturday I was hanging loosely like a towel on a hook. My entire body relaxed and limp, my brain unthinking, my nerves gone, my heartbeat back to its normal pace. Just hanging. Hanging out; I finally understand what that means. Friday night I had an impromptu girls night with my sister and cousin. I overdosed on dairy and sugar products, laughter, and chatter, and it felt good.

On Saturday I tried to read and write but instead I watched movies with my family and my boyfriend (Hotel Transylvania, The Words, and The Lorax). I thought of nothing, I wanted for nothing but the moment I was living in. I felt an intense kind of calm, one that I’ve only ever felt on vacation, when I’m far away from reality. Every time I thought about what had to be done on Sunday, I sliced that thought in two and kept slicing until it became nothing. I ate well and slept well, which allowed me to work well on Sunday.

Life is a special occasion — make the most of it.

Allow yourself to rest, to feel, to slow down, to stop.

You’re only human, even though you act like a Superhero.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

1Jun2013

Bursting the Bubble [Week 8]

Posted in Bursting the Bubble, Family Time by Vanessa Grillone

The fact that I get to see the publishing world as an intern, book lover, aspiring writer, AND book blogger is something that amazes me week after week. I’m starting to understand just how important this internship is and I am so thankful that I have still have about four weeks left!

This week I went to an author event and a few stock signings with my wonderful colleague Anne, Rhidian Brook (author of The Aftermath), and his lovely daughter. We started at The Novel Spot in Etobicoke, where Rhidian signed books and answered questions. This is where I learned that writers should also be great speakers. Having a great sense of humor and a true belief in your story can really engage your crowd. During Rhidian’s talk, he was challenged by someone who read his book. The gentleman wondered if Rhidian had maybe gone too far, to which Rhidian replied, That’s what writers do. They spin plates and see how much they can get away with. I love that line.

That evening I attended our monthly Indigo Bookseller Reception but you can read more about that on the Retreat website next week.

On Tuesday I was lucky enough to attend a blogger lunch with Page Morgan, author of The Beautiful and the Cursed. I love blogger events like this, they’re small and intimate which allows for the chance to really get to know the author. Page (or should I say Angie — Page is her pen name) answered any question we asked, chatted about various books she’s read, gave us some behind-the-scenes stories from novel-writing, and signed all of our books.

So after all of the fun events this week and the weeks prior, what am I feeling? A little nervous as the job-search has begun but mostly I feel guilty. I swear the printer spews out pages and sounds like a beating heart. If you start the binding machine at the same time, the sound bangs through each beat. Yesterday I thought, now that is the sound of a heart breaking.

Am I the one breaking hearts?

Well, I have been 110% committed to this internship and I don’t really make time for anything else. To make things worse, my family is amazing (yes you read that right). No matter what time I get home, be it 6:15 or 7:00– my family is waiting for me to have dinner with them. I sure as heck wouldn’t wait, not if I was starving.

My VERY pregnant sister never says anything when all I talk about is what happened at work, or what author I met, or what book I brought home. She lets me gab and gab and doesn’t seem the least bit phased if I forget to ask her about her day.

And my boyfriend, that wonderful man, who comes over during the week, knowing very well that I have to eat dinner, workout, and shower before I spend a second with him. Who doesn’t get mad when I fall asleep within five minutes of sitting down in front of the TV. I would probably go into full insecure-girlfriend-mode and freak on him for not putting me at least 2nd.

The only one who seems to be holding a grudge is my dog, who doesn’t even come to the door to say hi when I get home. I give him treats to sweeten him up though

So, what can a girl do in this situation but give thanks: Mom, Dad, Joseph, Jessica, Alex, and Waffles — I’m sorry for being so selfish lately. Thank you for understanding, for being there, and for loving me. Thank you for believing in me and thank you for not making me feel guilty.

This guilt is all my own creation and with every beat of that printer, I’m learning from it.

There’s got to be a balance somewhere and I will work hard to find it.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

P.S. Amanda featured me as her latest Everyday Beauty — check it out HERE.

20May2013

Long Weekend Bliss

Posted in Book Reviews, Family Time, Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

How is it Monday already? I’m convinced time goes by faster when you get an extra day off work. I love weekends for two simple reasons: sweatpants and messy hair. I love waking up early, throwing on my sweatpants (or staying in my pjs) and basking in the fact that I can be comfy and cozy all the live-long day. I spent this long weekend enjoying an extra day in my sweats, surrounded by my family, my boyfriend, books, and my notebook (all of my favourite things).

I don’t know if you’re aware of this but I am a total homebody. I go through phases where I want nothing more than to stay out of my house all weekend, then the next week I’ll be curled up on the couch with a book for two days straight. This weekend I tried my best to find a balance. I spent a lot of time at home with my family or with my book and also made time to hang out with the boyfriend’s family (and a really tall glass of sangria — thanks for that Rita!). Is it odd that sometimes I forget how much I love being around people? How much I enjoy having conversations with people? Gosh that sounds ridiculous.

I get stuck in this routine of being alone and it’s hard to get out of it, but I’m trying. It helps to surround myself with people who love me, with people who enjoy my company, with people who get me into a fit of giggles, with people I can just be myself around. The kind of people who can pull me out of my own head – I live a lot in my own thoughts and it’s exhausting.

But enough with this word “exhausting”, enough with the phrase “I’m exhausted”. I say that all too often and it’s starting to get on my nerves. I’m way too young to be tired all of the time and it’s a lame excuse made by someone who is too lazy and too uptight to enjoy her life. Quite silly, isn’t it?

Looks like I’ve got some work to do, some people to see, and a life to LIVE.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

6May2013

I thrive best hermit style

Posted in Family Time, Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

One of the best pieces of advice (or scorn) my mother ever said to me was “You can’t be a hermit all your life, Vanessa!” To which I always replied by going to my room, closing the door, reading a book, and not coming down until dinner. I disliked people, I hated how no one listened to me, I avoided going outside simply because I hated smelling like fresh air, I hated the beach simply because the sand made me itch, and I was the kind of kid who would read a book inside on the couch instead of outside at the cottage with my family. Why? Well, I was a shy kid, the kind of kid who kept quiet, the kind of kid who felt uncomfortable whenever I left the house, whenever I was in a big crowd.

I’m either growing up, changing, or taking my mom’s advice and putting it to good use (probably a little bit of all three). Although there is still no greater comfort to me than staying home, I find myself wanting to get outside, wanting to take a walk on my lunch, wanting to explore, wanting to be surrounded by people. I pay attention to things like flowers blooming, I sit outside and read just to be in the company of my parents when they’re hanging out in the backyard, I go nuts when my sister talks about the baby growing inside her (I freak out every time she gets bigger), I make an effort to be home when we have company. I’m noticing there’s so much LIFE outside, so much LIVING going on, so many MOMENTS to be apart of. Sounds a little bizarre that I’m just seeing all of this now, doesn’t it? Don’t get me wrong, when I need to be left alone, I am. When I need to concentrate or just NOT be social, everyone leaves me be, but I feel as though I’m finally starting to live. I’m finally starting to see the need for a balance between all of the wonderful books and stories that I read, and the one life that I’m living.

‘Cause that’s just it, you’re only given one life and it’s YOUR fault if you’re not enjoying it, living it, breathing it.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

14Apr2013

Understanding. Appreciation. RESPECT. Gilmore Girls.

Posted in Book Reviews, Family Time, Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

I have a new appreciation for weekends, a new appreciation for naps, a new appreciation for spending time with the people I love. I have a new respect for those who do everything and still make time for themselves. I have a new respect for living in the moment.

I used to be all…

And now when things don’t go according to plan, I’m all…

This will be fun, it’ll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for me. Just something different. Isn’t this the point of being young? It’s your choice. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. If I go with this, it’s one less minute I haven’t lived. – (Paraphrased) Logan Huntzberger

It’s Sunday and my biggest plan for the day is to write this blog post — whatever else happens is up in the air. Right now, the sun is peeking through my blinds, I’m eyeing my typewriter and thinking of the next short story I’m going to write on it. I’m thinking about the amazing day I had yesterday and thanking my lucky stars that I got to spend it with the bf. I’m thinking about contentment, about being happy with all that I have and working hard to achieve everything I want.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

All Gilmore Girls references brought to you in part by my excitement for Lauren Graham’s new novel out APRIL 30th!

9Apr2013

Subway Rides and DNA

Posted in Book Reviews, Family Time, Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

A father (mid-fifties) and son (maybe 18?) walk side by side through the underground pass leading to Wilson subway station. I’m a few paces behind, not really paying attention when suddenly I’m startled by how similar this father-son team is. They are the exact same height, not even an inch off, they are slouching at the same angle, their hands are in their pockets with elbows protruding forcefully outward (not sitting naturally). Their walk is the same, heel-toe-heel-toe, and their steps are in perfect unison.

Normally, I wouldn’t notice this kind of thing but I think The Juggler’s Children might have something to do with it. It’s got me thinking a lot about heritage, DNA, family, ancestors. Do my mother and I have similar mannerisms? How much is my brother like my father? How about my sister? What genes will my niece get? How much do I really look like my father? My Nonna? My great-great-great Avoa? Am I Portuguese and Italian or is there some other nationality hiding in the mix?

What family secrets are hiding in documents, in DNA, in diaries, in memories? Are there any?

What is the story behind the Grillones? The Camachos? What do they have to do with me? How can I find out?

…another subway ride, another thought

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

7Apr2013

Birthday Recap

Posted in Family Time, Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal, Uncategorized by Vanessa Grillone

Below you will find today’s post. You’ll notice that the formatting is a little different, that’s because I typed it up on this bad boy:

My aunt and uncle scoured the streets, flea markets, and various stores to find me the perfect, working typewriter. Although, it may be more of a novelty than anything, I couldn’t wait to give it a try this morning. It’s heavy and it smells old but this 1964 Royal Safari typewriter is what I’ve been dreaming of for quite a while. It clinks, it clanks, and it even dings when it’s time to move to a new line. It’s perfect and needless to say, I’m in love.

Obviously I need more practice on my typewriter . What I love most is how it slows down your thinking, rather, how it makes you more conscious of what you’re thinking. You need to be aware of what you’re going to write next, you need to plan out your next sentence so that you don’t make a huge mistake and have to start all over. With time, I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it, perhaps I’ll start writing on it often.

Anyways, I hope you’re having a wonderful Sunday!

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

27Mar2013

Perfection.

Posted in Family Time, Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

Today I went to my sister’s second ultrasound, which means she’s hit the 20-week mark of her pregnancy (WOW!). I wasn’t sure what to expect, I’ve seen ultrasounds on T.V. and in movies but never in real life. I walked into Exam Room #5 to see my sister laying on a bed, her hard round tummy exposed and plastered with a nasty green goop. I walked further into the room and took a look at the extremely high-tech computer. I watched as the technician glided a gray gizmo along my sister’s belly. And there it was, my niece or nephew. With a perfectly round head, a sweet little nose, and the tiniest feet I’ve ever seen. I watched him (I always say ‘him’, I don’t know why) move around, kick, and then place his fists under his chin, as if posing for Mommy, Daddy, Tia, and Grandma! My eyes began to fill with tears, my heart was literally swollen with happiness, and I thought So THIS is love at first sight.

In the car on the way home I stared at the ultrasound picture and couldn’t get over how incredible that moment was. I’m so glad my sister and brother-in-law asked me to go with them (or said yes when I harassed them about it ). It was an amazing thing to witness and seeing the smile on my sister and brother-in-law’s face really spoke to me. It spoke of happiness, of excitement, of awe, of shock, and of pure pure love. The last time I saw my sister this happy was on her wedding day — her happiness is a beautiful sight.

Baby Bear, you will be the most loved child on the face of the Earth and your Tia cannot wait to meet you!

Jess and Rich, thank you for letting me be apart of this amazing day.

Jess, that’s going to be YOU soon — minus the cat, we hate cats.

–

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

22Mar2013

[Book Review] The Spark

Posted in Book Reviews, Family Time by Vanessa Grillone

I know for a fact that there are many books to get excited about this April, just from Random House Canada alone. BUT if there is ONE memoir that you should pre-order for April it’s The Spark by Kristine Barnett. You may have read about my “spark” yesterday and I hadn’t planned on writing a review on this book so quickly but I want you ALL to get excited about it.

The Spark is an incredibly touching memoir about a mother learning to nurture her sons’ passions, starting with her first-born Jake. Jake was diagnosed with autism at the age of two, when Kristine was told that he might never learn to tie his shoes or read. Instead of focussing on what her son “couldn’t” or “wouldn’t” do, she paid attention to his passions and found herself nurturing the mind of a genius.

Kristine is a remarkable person and a fantastic writer. I had goosebumps the entire time, I found myself moved to tears quite often, and I thoroughly enjoyed every word of this book. Kristine dedicated a huge chunk of her life to the Little Light program. A program she created for autistic children and their parents, where they could meet and learn. Her goal was to get these children mainstreamed into a public school system. She also decided that in order for her program to work she must pay attention to the passion bubbling up in the heart of each child and allow them to spend time doing it. She truly believes that “By watching and really listening to the children at Little Light, we could get a glimpse of what was inside them–and then all we had to do was get out of their way!” (page 80).

Although I was engrossed by Jake’s journey and his genius, I was more wrapped up in the importance of family and love that is portrayed in this memoir. I don’t want to say much more about this book but I will say that anyone who is in a state of self-doubt at the moment NEEDS to read it.

“…it is about the power of hope and dazzling possibilities that can occur when we keep our minds open and learn how to tap the true potential that lies within every child.” (X)

–
Love Always

Vanessa Xo

The Spark comes out APRIL 9th!

——

SYNOPSIS (FROM THE RANDOM HOUSE OF CANADA LIMITED WEBSITE)

The extraordinary memoir of a mother’s love, commitment and nurturing, which allowed her son, originally diagnosed with severe autism, to flourish into a universally recognized genius—and how any parent can help their child find their spark.

Today, at 13, Jacob is a paid researcher in quantum physics, working on extending Einstein’s theory of relativity. Diagnosed at 1 with severe autism, at 3 he was assigned to life-skills classes and his parents were told to adjust their expectations. The goal: tying his own shoes at 16. Kristine’s belief in the power of hope and the dazzling possibilities that can occur when we keep our minds open and learn to fuel a child’s true potential changed everything.