when my breathing stopped

Posted in Family Time, Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal, Travel by Vanessa Grillone

We’d been stopped in the subway tunnel for 15 minutes when my breathing stopped. My heart was being crushed under immense pressure. My lungs – well they said a sweet toodle-oo with a great big eff you! At that point I put up the volume of my music and rested my head on my bag. With my eyes closed I felt a little bit better, in spite of the fact that the B.O. of the man in front of me found its way into my nostrils.

Apparently I can’t handle being confined and helpless. When the train began moving again my head spun, my stomach convulsed, and I nearly lost my composure. For over an hour I was stuck on that train. The train that toyed with my emotions: Go. Stop. Wait. Go. Go. Stop. Wait. Wait. Go slowly. Stop. I could sense the annoyance mount in the other passengers. I saw the roll of their eyes every time the driver explained about the signaling problems and apologized for the inconvenience.

All I kept thinking was; Breathe, Vanessa. Breathe. Don’t get anxious over something you literally have no control over. You think the driver WANTS to be stopped? No. Breathe. You’ll get home eventually. Calm down and take a nap. That mantra (thanks MOM!) was the only thing that kept me from experiencing a full-blown anxiety attack that night.

Funny how that all happened on my way home, just after I tweeted: Potential is one of my favourite words. To me it’s hopeful and optimistic; attainable and reachable. Each day has the potential of turning out wonderful or completely shitty. Most things you have no control over but you DO have control over how you react to certain things, which is why I still ended up having a pretty okay evening. I didn’t spend my night complaining about the TTC or that I got home late. I went on with my night as if nothing happened. I wrote a little, worked out, ate a handful (or two) of my mom’s homemade chocolate almonds – the ones I’m not supposed to eat because they’re for my sister’s baby shower (#Sorry #NoI’mNot). Then I climbed into bed and let my mind wander.

I thought about all the wonderful things that could happen. I thought about potential and let the word swim around in my mind. I thought about taking up photography. I thought about taking writing classes. I thought about the novel I’m slowly working on (or maybe it’s a short story). I thought about becoming an aunt. I thought about traveling: New York, England, Italy, and Paris – I’m coming for you. I thought about marriage. I thought about family. I thought about love. I thought about change. I thought about work. I thought about words. I thought about time and reminded myself that all good things can’t come at once — no matter how hard you work for them.

I thought good thoughts and woke up with a smile.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

10Jun2013

Stay True.

Posted in Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

Dorothy Parker

The most difficult thing about blogging (writing) is staying true to the voice of your blog. It’s difficult to stay true to the brand you created when there are so many other blogs and brands to be intimidated by. I created this blog as a space for my personal thoughts, as a space to practice and improve my writing, as a place to learn more about myself, as a place to share great books. Admittedly I’ve lost sight of my voice a couple of times. Sometimes I didn’t even recognize the woman holding the pen, I didn’t hear my own nasally soften-spoken voice when I read my posts over again. The important thing is that I noticed and I put myself back on track.

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Another difficult part of blogging (writing) is privacy — what do you share? What do you keep to yourself? I’ve had people tell me that they follow my blog in a tone that makes me feel like they know more about me than I think they do. I’ve had people tell me that I should be careful. That my generation doesn’t know the importance of privacy. Well, that’s what social media is, letting people into your life, into your home. It’s scary how BIG social media has become in my life, I’m even applying for jobs with SOCIAL MEDIA in their description.

Sometimes I sit back and think oh my gosh, I’m sharing my thoughts with who knows how many people. On top of that it’s on the INTERNET, FOREVER. After the initial nausea from that thought subsides, I allow myself to think other thoughts. My Pen, My Voice is a brand. It is a brand that I created. It’s ME, it’s who I am and what I represent BUT I get to choose what I share. Along with this blog I have two other notebooks with me at all times. One is a diary and one is the rough beginnings of my novel — neither of which I share on my blog.

I think people forget that there’s a person behind a blog, a twitter account, an Instagram account etc and what they share is only fraction of their lives. They let you see what they want you to see.

I am my truest self when I write.

I write with honesty, intention, passion, and determination, but please don’t forget –

My Pen, My Voice is just one side of me.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

6Jun2013

Who Named the Knife – and other thoughts

Posted in Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

“When you feel envy and wish you were someone else, remember you that you have to take the whole life.”

- Who Named the Knife by Linda Spalding

It’s terrifyingly easy to become envious of someone else’s life. It’s easy to get so caught up in what others are doing (especially with all of this social media, sharing, and documenting) that you lose sight of your own dreams and wishes. I’ve written about this before and I’ll probably write about it again because it’s something that scares me a lot. When you can’t see the finish line or you feel like many people are sprinting faster than you (even though you’re working just as hard), self-doubt will sweep you up on its dark cloud and suffocate you. You can’t let that happen. Keep sprinting even when your lungs give out. No matter how many people pass you, keep sprinting.

If you look far enough into the distance you’ll realize that they aren’t gunning for the same finish line as you.

At some point the track branches off and we all have our own path to follow.

Your finish line is yours and yours alone.

Cross it.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

1Jun2013

Bursting the Bubble [Week 8]

Posted in Bursting the Bubble, Family Time by Vanessa Grillone

The fact that I get to see the publishing world as an intern, book lover, aspiring writer, AND book blogger is something that amazes me week after week. I’m starting to understand just how important this internship is and I am so thankful that I have still have about four weeks left!

This week I went to an author event and a few stock signings with my wonderful colleague Anne, Rhidian Brook (author of The Aftermath), and his lovely daughter. We started at The Novel Spot in Etobicoke, where Rhidian signed books and answered questions. This is where I learned that writers should also be great speakers. Having a great sense of humor and a true belief in your story can really engage your crowd. During Rhidian’s talk, he was challenged by someone who read his book. The gentleman wondered if Rhidian had maybe gone too far, to which Rhidian replied, That’s what writers do. They spin plates and see how much they can get away with. I love that line.

That evening I attended our monthly Indigo Bookseller Reception but you can read more about that on the Retreat website next week.

On Tuesday I was lucky enough to attend a blogger lunch with Page Morgan, author of The Beautiful and the Cursed. I love blogger events like this, they’re small and intimate which allows for the chance to really get to know the author. Page (or should I say Angie — Page is her pen name) answered any question we asked, chatted about various books she’s read, gave us some behind-the-scenes stories from novel-writing, and signed all of our books.

So after all of the fun events this week and the weeks prior, what am I feeling? A little nervous as the job-search has begun but mostly I feel guilty. I swear the printer spews out pages and sounds like a beating heart. If you start the binding machine at the same time, the sound bangs through each beat. Yesterday I thought, now that is the sound of a heart breaking.

Am I the one breaking hearts?

Well, I have been 110% committed to this internship and I don’t really make time for anything else. To make things worse, my family is amazing (yes you read that right). No matter what time I get home, be it 6:15 or 7:00– my family is waiting for me to have dinner with them. I sure as heck wouldn’t wait, not if I was starving.

My VERY pregnant sister never says anything when all I talk about is what happened at work, or what author I met, or what book I brought home. She lets me gab and gab and doesn’t seem the least bit phased if I forget to ask her about her day.

And my boyfriend, that wonderful man, who comes over during the week, knowing very well that I have to eat dinner, workout, and shower before I spend a second with him. Who doesn’t get mad when I fall asleep within five minutes of sitting down in front of the TV. I would probably go into full insecure-girlfriend-mode and freak on him for not putting me at least 2nd.

The only one who seems to be holding a grudge is my dog, who doesn’t even come to the door to say hi when I get home. I give him treats to sweeten him up though

So, what can a girl do in this situation but give thanks: Mom, Dad, Joseph, Jessica, Alex, and Waffles — I’m sorry for being so selfish lately. Thank you for understanding, for being there, and for loving me. Thank you for believing in me and thank you for not making me feel guilty.

This guilt is all my own creation and with every beat of that printer, I’m learning from it.

There’s got to be a balance somewhere and I will work hard to find it.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

P.S. Amanda featured me as her latest Everyday Beauty — check it out HERE.

29May2013

All things BIG

Posted in Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

Today I am embracing all things BIG.

Big hair. Big pimples. Big dreams. Big thoughts. Big mistakes. Big failures. Big workloads.

Mostly because I have no choice, but also because at some point in your day you’re going to get so caught up in the GOOD big things that the BAD big things won’t matter. You’ll forget that you have a gross pimple dead-centre of your forehead (until a co-worker can’t stop staring – but then you’ll charm them to the point that they stop noticing it too). You’ll do something amazing and RIGHT and you’ll forget about the mistake you made a few hours earlier.

You’ll forget about your big failures and focus on your BIG DREAMS because it’s the only way to make the most of your day.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

27May2013

Then Again [Book Review]

Posted in Book Reviews by Vanessa Grillone

Knowing my obsession with memoirs, Lindsey recommended Then Again by Diane Keaton and I’ve been enthralled by it. I’ve mentioned it a few times in the past few blog posts and now that I am finished it, I highly recommend it. I’ve never cared much for Diane Keaton but I found reading about her life intriguing. She tells you everything, she writes beautifully, and she isn’t afraid to cast herself in a bad light. Diane Keaton has seemingly low self-esteem and doesn’t think much of herself considering she had a dream and made it happen. I was left in awe when she spoke of her relationships with Woody Allen, Warren Beatty, and Al Pacino. It was incredible to read how she taught Al Pacino how to drive or how Woody Allen wrote Annie Hall based on her life or her true feeling about The Godfather. It was fascinating to read Woody Allen’s love letters to her.

The most amazing part of her memoir though, and the entire premise behind it, is that it’s a combination of her mother’s memoir as well. Dorothy Hall kept journals, took photos, and made scrapbooks, and they all make an appearance in this memoir. This memoir compares a housewife of the 1960′s with big dreams and a knack for writing, creativity, and self-expression, with an aspiring teenage actress, letting you see how similar those two can actually be.

Dorothy Hall is one of the most inspiring women I’ve read about. She is a woman who found her voice by putting a pen to paper. She believed in the power of THINKING. She believed in her family and I found her portrayal of family dynamics enriching. Her words tugged at my heart-strings and I learned a lot from Dorothy Hall and Diane Keaton. This memoir made me wish for a simpler time, where people need to make a greater effort to communicate. Now, I want nothing more than to TALK more to my mom, to THINK more, to DREAM bigger, and to WORK harder. This memoir will always have a soft-spot in my heart and I can’t wait to pass it on to my mom and dad, who will love it for different reasons.

“Dad was always telling me to think. Think ahead. Think….But it was Mom’s struggles, her conflicts, and her love that made whatever ability I have to think possible. She supported choices that created experiences that expanded my life. As a girl, Mom, like me, had vague grandiose aspirations, but, unlike me, no one helped her expand on them; no one could.” (171)

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

22May2013

Then Again…

Posted in Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

Then Again has really made me THINNK. It’s made me think about my mom and wonder about her dreams, her thoughts. I wonder what she thinks about me, I wonder about all those things she’s refrained from saying to me. I wonder about what she thinks about the woman I’m becoming, I wonder if she sees any of herself in me. It’s difficult to see your parents as more than just parents, as people. People with dreams and thoughts and opinions. I want to know more about my mom – about my parents.

Mom, if you’re reading this — which I hope you are — I’m asking you to write me a letter, a journal, something. I’d be honoured if you could take that notebook I gave you last year and write. Whatever you’re thinking, whatever you’re feeling. I know it’s a lot to ask for but there is no deadline, no expiry date, and most importantly, no judgement. I think you might be able to find your own voice if you pick up a pen and let it guide you. You, whoever that is.

“I want to hold my life up alongside hers in order to, as she wrote, reach a point where I begin to see me–and her–in a more understandable light.”

— Then Again xxvi

i love you.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

20May2013

Long Weekend Bliss

Posted in Book Reviews, Family Time, Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

How is it Monday already? I’m convinced time goes by faster when you get an extra day off work. I love weekends for two simple reasons: sweatpants and messy hair. I love waking up early, throwing on my sweatpants (or staying in my pjs) and basking in the fact that I can be comfy and cozy all the live-long day. I spent this long weekend enjoying an extra day in my sweats, surrounded by my family, my boyfriend, books, and my notebook (all of my favourite things).

I don’t know if you’re aware of this but I am a total homebody. I go through phases where I want nothing more than to stay out of my house all weekend, then the next week I’ll be curled up on the couch with a book for two days straight. This weekend I tried my best to find a balance. I spent a lot of time at home with my family or with my book and also made time to hang out with the boyfriend’s family (and a really tall glass of sangria — thanks for that Rita!). Is it odd that sometimes I forget how much I love being around people? How much I enjoy having conversations with people? Gosh that sounds ridiculous.

I get stuck in this routine of being alone and it’s hard to get out of it, but I’m trying. It helps to surround myself with people who love me, with people who enjoy my company, with people who get me into a fit of giggles, with people I can just be myself around. The kind of people who can pull me out of my own head – I live a lot in my own thoughts and it’s exhausting.

But enough with this word “exhausting”, enough with the phrase “I’m exhausted”. I say that all too often and it’s starting to get on my nerves. I’m way too young to be tired all of the time and it’s a lame excuse made by someone who is too lazy and too uptight to enjoy her life. Quite silly, isn’t it?

Looks like I’ve got some work to do, some people to see, and a life to LIVE.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

15May2013

LET’S GO, GET UP, MOVE IT, WE GOTTA GO!

Posted in Just for Fun, Something A Little Personal by Vanessa Grillone

Reading the works of Paul Auster has made me understand that if I want to write a great novel I first must try to understand people. I need to listen to the universal truths that are spewed out on the morning drive, on the early train, on my lunchtime walks. I need to train myself to listen, to pay attention. Why am I so afraid to listen? To write what I hear, what I see, what I feel? AM I hiding from the world? (It’s a little late for that, isn’t it?). This is the time to say everything, to be young and do what young people do.

But as the sun peeks out from the clouds and spreads warmth on my face, igniting the words on this page, I feel nothing and everything all at once. I don’t know where to begin. I falter. I’m afraid to move but anxious to go. You know the dread you feel when you sit down on the subway (a 30 minute ride) and suddenly the alarms in your stomach and ass start ringing, screaming YOU SHOULD PROBABLY FIND A BATHROOM? Yeah, my life feels a lot like that right now. I’m pinching my cheeks, playing tricks on my mind and body, teaching them patience (or trying to). But the screaming continues — LET’S GO, GET UP, MOVE IT, WE GOTTA GO!

By comparing my life to a bowel movement I’m not trying to imply that my life is shitty. In fact, it’s far from that. It’s the urgency I feel at every moment, the anxiety that I’m trying to get across, to relieve myself of with this post, with these words.

Writing as catharsis is not bullshit. IT actually works. I feel lighter already.

—

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

5May2013

Finding your voice – The Silver Star [Book Review]

Posted in Book Reviews by Vanessa Grillone

In March I was sent an ARC of The Silver Star by Jeannette Walls. I truly fell in love with this novel. I love books with strong, young, female characters. Characters that are forced to handle big issues, face huge challenges, falter and stand back up. They remind me of what a sheltered life I’ve lived and make me wonder if I could, in fact, survive if I had to face what they did.

It is 1970. “Bean” Holladay is twelve and her sister Liz is fifteen when their artistic mother Charlotte, a woman “who flees every place she’s ever lived at the first sign of trouble,” takes off to “find herself.” She leaves her girls enough money for food to last a month or two. But when Bean gets home from school one day and sees a police car outside the house, she and Liz board a bus from California to Virginia, where their widowed Uncle Tinsley lives in the decaying antebellum mansion that’s been in the family for generations.

An impetuous optimist, Bean discovers who her father was and learns many stories about why their mother left Virginia in the first place. Money is tight, so Liz and Bean start babysitting and doing office work for Jerry Maddox, foreman of the mill in town, a big man who bullies workers, tenants, and his wife. Bean adores her whip-smart older sister, inventor of word games, reader of Edgar Allan Poe, non-conformist. But when school starts in the fall, it’s Bean who easily adjusts and makes friends, and Liz who becomes increasingly withdrawn. And then something happens to Liz in the car with Maddox.

The author of The Glass Castle, hyper-alert to abuse of adult power, has written a gorgeous, riveting, heartbreaking novel about triumph over adversity and about people who find a way to love the world despite its flaws and injustices.

Bean is one of the most loveable and smart twelve-year-old characters I’ve encountered (she kind of reminds me of Flavia DeLuce). Liz is the a smart and exceedingly bright girl who just needs to find her place among outsiders. I felt that I could relate to both of the girls in one way or another and I admired their strength and bravery. Uncle Tinsley is a wonderful and sweet man who needs Bean and Liz as much as they need him. Charlotte, on the other hand, needs to get her stuff together. I didn’t like her character at all, the only thing I liked about her is what she tried to teach her girls whenever she decided to hang around.

“‘Find the magic,’ mom always said. ‘And if you can’t find the magic,’ she added, ‘then make the magic.’”

Jeannette Walls crafted a wonderful story filled with tears and heartaches. The writing was fluid, powerful, and smooth. For some reason this story truly played at my heartstrings. It reiterates the need to find your own voice and never pretend like something didn’t happen. Face it. Do something about it and don’t give up.

–

Love Always

Vanessa Xo

** Synopsis from the Simon and Schuster website **